The Bickerstaffe Record


Exclusive: Tories planning to ‘cut monarchy’

09.20.09 | 2 Comments

The blogopshere came of age this weekend, as one of its senior figures broke the news, exclusively, on the internet, that the Conservatives are planning to put an end to the British monarchy should they come to power.

Top blogger David Semple, writing at Though Cowards Flinch, revealed that he had ‘decoded’ the astonishing plans set out in an article by senior Tory Douglas Carswell.

In the article, Carswell, who is reported to have recently been to see The Da Vinic code at the cinema, refers to the need to ‘complete the Enligsh revolution’, and goes on to say ‘There’s some unfinished business to do with decentralising power and ensuring those with power’.

Semple, who is understood by close colleagues  to ‘know his history’, has revealed that this is likely to be a coded message to other Conservatives on the lunatic fringe of the party, that any incoming Conservative government should take its new message of ‘cuts now, cuts later, cuts for ever’ to the logical conclusion, within a few days of parliament opening, and chop of Her Majesty’s head with a big axe.

Semple revealed that this has in fact happened before, back a long time ago, and that the Conservatives must now be thinking on similar lines, along with plans to abolish the Church of England:

‘It was the conclusion of the Leveller Agitators ‘that  matters of religion and the ways of God’s worship are not at all entrusted by us to any human power’. So much for an established church! ……….. Perhaps the abolition of the House of Lords? We managed it, on March 19th, 1649 – and the Levellers were in the vanguard of that decision. …….The execution of the monarch and dissolution of the monarchy? …………the Levellers were to the front of such a demand.’ (Ed: dots inserted to make it read exactly how we want it to like in the tabloid press)

Reaction from other Conservatives has been slow.  Top Conservative Cameron was apparently unavailable for comment, but a spokewoman may have said:  ‘David has nothing to say on this matter.  He didn’t choose history as an option at school, instead going for woodwork. He’s done me a lovely birdhouse  for next to my moat.’

Other top Tory Daniel Hannan is reported to have been more fortright, simply saying: ‘Am I on US TV?  Right, well, the monarchy, 1,000 year old mistake, I’d say.’

The repercussions of this shock revelation could be serious.  Bickerstaffe Record reporters, who were about to go out leafleting and didn’t have time to look it up properly, have discovered possibly that High Treason of the type suggested by Carswell still carries the penalty of having your head stuck on a spike by Tower Bridge.   This possibility, for the whole of the Shadow Cabinet is not thought likely, on recent evidence, to change current policy formulation.

Meanwhile, top republicans were enthusiastic.   Bob Piper, top councillor and possibly a bit on the republican side though we’ve not got time tio check where he stands, is reported to have said simply: ‘Hold on a minute, I’ve got an axe in the shed somewhere.’


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